My Greatest Blessing:
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ” Philippians 4:7 >>> fav bible quote eva!
I really suck at this blogging life because I never really post. I been so busy with life and I kind gave myself a social media break the past three months. I didn’t choose to but it kinda just happen. I stopped posting so much and stopped going on as much and when I realized I was hardly even using my phone. At first I felt really lonely and craved scrolling endlessly through Instagram refreshing every second while avoiding responsibilities. Where will our generation go if this is what we do with 40-70% of our time? Do people actually get things done? Idk I think this cleanse did me so well. Try and see if you find goodness out of it.. I sure have.
I don’t really know why I even wanted to blog anymore but here I am adding to it. LMAO
A lot has happen since than and it’s added to my personal growth. I tend to reflect a lot on who I am, who I’m becoming and why. Always why this, why that, making me extremely hard on myself. I really try to better myself everyday, even if its something as small as appreciating the change in seasons.
Whilst on my social media cleanse, I have tried to anchor myself in reality and really learn to accept things for what they are. It seems simple but it’s easier said then done. We live in a world where people have careers by virtue of their lifestyles, that is, getting paid to live in ways others wish they could; that can delude ones mind completely from reality. I mean we are all guilty of it at some point while we try to capture each and every experience we have rather then just living it. The sad part is we aren’t all so fortunate to get paid to merely live, yet here we are day in and day out capturing each second of our “exciting moments” to add to our virtual life. I guess I got a little sick of it all. Now I’m here writing and not even sure if this is hypocritical or if it is anything but a vent session on my own page without being on fb. lol
Anyways, I’m getting astray. I really came here to share that through all of this time off and soul searching, I found myself going through a million and one existential crises and at the end of it all I found God, and through Him I found myself.
Yes, God. I know, what? After all this blah blah blah about social media. God? lol Yes, God. I was lost. How? I’m not even sure how I was lost because when you’re away from God you kind of don’t realize you’re lost. You think you’re in control, you think life is being life and being hard because you mustn’t be enough or I guess you keep blaming yourself for not reaching ultimate peace and happiness. But then you find God, and you see how lost you were and you see how found you feel now that you have him, and in my case have him again.
I accepted Jesus christ as my lord and savior at 11 years old. I had no idea why or what that meant but I did. And I kind of was Christian because it was the right thing to do. Since than I never really struggled with God and kind of just always checked in with him and went to church and thought that meant we had our connect and it was unshakable. Then I got accepted to a Christian college where my faith was finally tested. You see I think it’s not until you have had that one on one experience with Him that you can finally say, Lord I trust in you. Because until that one on one happens do you really trust? Do you really let go and let God? I don’t think so. Well in that college I took bible classes which at the time I though was completely unnecessary. I was almost embarrassed by it because that wasn’t the college experience any of my friends were having at their secular schools. I had theological discussions that were soul quenching and I began to question everything I ever knew, believed in, and practiced. You reach a point that you feel you learned so much about God that you no longer need anything else. I felt awoken. Awoken to the false practices of the church. Awoken to the false preachers. Awoken to the fake Christians. I was awoken to the false beliefs of my religion. I was so disappointed to know that truth and to see it taking place in church. It hardened my heart and made me want nothing to do with any of it. Since that realization I no longer attended church and no longer trusted anything with religion ever again.
That was around 2014-15ish. After learning so much about the Christian religion at school I began to think I was done knowing God. Like what more did I need to know. I read the bible cover to cover and participated in theological discussions more profound that I could ever imagined, I was all set I thought. I mean most Christians don’t ever read the bible. Only 16% of all Christians in church read it. That drove me nuts to realize most people sitting there in church actually have no idea what is being preached nor do they have a clue as to who wrote that section and why was it written. That drove me to leave the church. Fast forward 3-4 years. I still don’t go to church and I ended up leaving school. I got sick and had to help at home and was involved in developing a brand, my mind was not right for school.
Did I want to stay? Yes. Did I resent the day my proud ass left? Yes. Did I ignore God every day since? Yes. I also lost a great friend during this. And I kind of challenged God at that time. I know who am I to think that was ok. lol But I did. I’m savage.. I thought if He allowed her to heal that I would stop being proud and I would go back to church and live with the hypocrites who pretend to know the Christian faith and be merry. Yes, super sarcastic and even mocking of my own faith. At this point it was a joke to me. Yet she was the complete opposite. She believed wholeheartedly and she trusted fully and she Let Go and Let God. It broke me, when she passed. I didn’t understand how He could have failed her. Especially her. She believed, she trusted and she was different than all those church goers. I thought if someone believes that bad and yet He still didn’t answer their biggest wish, than why do this? Why follow him?
I didn’t understand. But now I do. He never failed her, He uplifted her and used her to touch 100,000s of lives by telling her story and professing her faith in him. She lived as the modern day example of how we all must Glorify him in all phases of our lives.
After closing myself up, I’ve found myself back at square one. Trying to figure life out without him brings us to an endless unfulfilling circle. I began to talk to him as I use to. Somedays I began to just meditate on his name and to slowly finding myself praying again. I had decided prayer was pointless after she passed. But I began to crave him more and more as I allowed him in little by little. I decided to look for his glory in my life everyday. That meant to me, to look for something he does for me each and everyday. That is look for His kindness, His nurture and His grace. Boy does my Savior have grace. Grace for my broken soul, my sad and faulting soul. Once I began to seek Him I realized I could never do this thing called life without Him ever again.
I got a tattoo at 17 and obviously crushed my parents heart at that time. But I did it. It’s huge for a first tattoo but I always forget I did that. Anyways, these past few months I began to think more and more about why I choose to get that tattoo. What was I craving at that age to get written on me; “seek life to live life”? Well, I craved a life of inner peace. And yet it’s as if every day since than it’s been harder and harder to find. But it wasn’t until recently that I finally realized my search and “seeking” of life was completely miss guided. I was seeking the life as I thought life should be rather then what it is. God is Life. And I will never be done seeking “HIM” and by doing so I will live.
Seek life to live life.
Okay God. I let go and let You.
The Greatest Blessing number two: